Day 40: Resolution

40 Days + 40 Writes

Today’s Prompt: Resolution

In any sense of the word.

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I've discovered the problem with New Year's Resolutions: we've been trying too hard. It's right there in the etymology of the word, "resolution" from the Latin "resolvere" which means to loosen, to release.

Isn't that shocking? When I have become resolute, or resolved in my heart to do something, it has been more of a hardening against life. That's what those words have come to mean, even in the dictionary, which speaks of "firm decisions" and "determination".

Music retains the original meaning of the word. Conflict heightens, tones clash, yearning and striving build with discordant notes and then: ahh. Release. Something is resolved. Harmony is restored and we all sigh and lean back in our seats. Rest.

You can't resolve music any way you like. Any particular piece of music has a key in which it is written and longs to return. It is possible to end in a different key than you started from (especially if you've gone through a major key change in the middle), but still, the music will ask to resolve in a certain direction; to release into a harmony that resonates across the entire piece.

But resolution isn’t the only point of music. It’s the very conflict and questioning of the “development section”, the discordance and even chaos, that makes the final harmonies stunning.

Writing is like that too, I guess; I never know exactly where a piece is going when I start it, but as I write something emerges and takes on shape and direction. There are questions, conflicts (at least within myself, if not expressed on the page). Sometimes I delete entire paragraphs, or start over completely. But at some point, the time comes to conclude the writing, often by taking up a theme from the beginning, by coming "full circle". And when I'm finished, I know. There is a sense of ease, of having resolved something. There is no "determination" here; just softening into what the writing requires.

I'm learning to live like that, too. I remember the first time I began to sense a story arc to my life, in which I was not the primary writer. I had been all "firm decision" up until that point; after all, if I didn't control every aspect of myself and my life, everything would be chaos, wouldn't it? I have loved me some to-do lists, 5-year plans and New Year's Resolutions. And I must have loved shame and disappointment too, because inevitably that's where it all ended up.

But like I said, I remember the first time I sensed something different. I was walking around Green Lake, recounting my failure. I had given up everything to be a minister for life in the Only True Way. I was truly called. I waited a miserable 20 months before starting, but I was "resolved". And I had only been in for three and a half years. God called me to this; I was supposed to be able to do it. But I couldn't shake the questions. I couldn't shake the longing for more. I couldn't shake the sense that the moments of my truest connection with God didn't line up with the "status quo" of this ministry. But surely this was all my fault. I just needed more resolve. Iron in my soul. All of this armor to protect against the tenderest questions:

Am I abandoned? Am I enough? Am I loved?

But as I walked that day, I experienced a sudden, undeniable sense of calm. There was a message to my soul without words: "I still have you in My Hand."

How could that be? I wasn't "resolved" about anything. I was questioning the very existence of the God I longed for. I wasn't attending the sacrosanct meetings. I wasn't sure what was true anymore.

I was in the Development section of my own personal sonata.

And so began a season of resting, and being open to life. A loosening of the obsessive Bible reading and prayer that I had hoped would be enough to make God notice me. A softening into new experiences and unexpected feelings; a release from always having to know and control the outcome. A sense of trust in a Divine Flow.

That's been more than a decade ago now, but it marked the beginning of a new way of living.

So I don't make New Year's Resolutions anymore. But I do seek resolution, daily. I'm learning to ask what this moment requires of me, and where I can soften and release. Often it means loosening into the chaos and discordance inside and around me. Letting it be.

In the symphony of life, this is the Development, after all. But final resolution is coming.

Photo by Sarah Dao on Unsplash